2 months out from our wedding I am terrified. I either choose to place complete trust in this man, or I run away. To avoid future heartache, it would be sensible to do just that.
He is so wonderful to me in so many ways. He sews with me, enthuses with me, takes care of me, purports to 'Love' me. He gardens in the rain, he cooks when I don't have the energy, he pays the rent, he 'keeps' me to all intents and purposes.
And yet, I know how quickly these considerations fade for him.
It is Crunch time and everything fades to shades of grey.
It is very tempting to become the 'old me'; lonely? certainly, but with a suit of armour that will see me through anything.
It doesn't help that I just watched 'Droughtbreaker'. There she was. The beautiful, tiny thing that took him away. He lifted her as though she were a feather. Contrast this with both Mr and Lydgate trying to lift me a couple of weeks ago.
(a) it took TWO of them
(b) there was no dignity involved...nor lust, nor wanting, nor...anything that makes a woman feel she is special. Just a rather heavy piece of meat that can be laughed at.
And was.
Am I now (by default) Wife, Mother, Carer, Supporter?
I want to run and run and run and disappear into myself. I don't trust the 'truth' of this situation. I have always trusted. I have always been betrayed. This statistic is not one I should ignore. I don't want to look back on these days/months/years and know myself as a fool.
I think I am coming to a decision that will annoy a great many people.
'But your last posts have been so positive Cath! You describe domestic bliss with an ingenuity that screams genuine!!'
Yes indeed, we quilt, we entertain friends, we put on shows for the AF (ironic), we espouse, proselityze and follow a fairly rigorous animal rights lifestyle.
I hear the multitudes screaming 'It's just COLD FEET'. I hear you and I raise you one soul, in great danger of being annihilated by expectation, security and fear.
Run away! I vote run away or if you don't run away then I vote you have a special running away bank account where you squirrel away money so that if you ever do decide to run away you can.
ReplyDeleteThat's a sensible thought. One should do that shouldn't one? Odd how secure I feel at the thought of a well-thought-out escape clause....
ReplyDeleteThree cheers for Blog From The Heart. They take a lot of courage to do. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHere's a thought: do you want to end up like poor single Lydgate, who doesn't trust anyone and won't let anyone near him until years after he's met them? No siree Bob. A serial monogamist is the least riskiest personality type to marry.
Luv ya:-)
ReplyDeleteI'm serious about the escape plan thing. I always have an escape plan, even now when all I would be escaping is The Peach and I'm very happy here right now.
ReplyDeleteI think its enormously important to know that I am staying somewhere because I want to and not because I am trapped.
xd
PS There is nothing wrong with being single.