Gabriel's 1st Birthday Cake

Despite having said countless times that I wasn't going to go "over the top" for Gabriel's 1st birthday (y,know, because he's ONE and couldn't care less)...I did go a little bit nuts on his cake.

OK, so first things first.
I have spent weeks gradually making all the decorations from modelling chocolate. I also made far too many decorations. Meh, better over-prepared than under-prepared right?

I just did a few things each night and stored them in layers of baking paper in an airtight container.
They're all made from Aldi Choceur chocolate and Glucose syrup + Americolour gel paste colouring. Tools? My hands and one ratty paintbrush.
Oh, except the mushrooms, they're meringue painted with melted dark chocolate and dusted with cocoa.

Obviously the theme is 'Autumn Forest'..kinda sorta. Blueberries are a summer-forest-thing, but why let little details get in the way? This isn't a National Geographic cake competition.

Next step, bake the cakes in question.
The bottom layer is a caramel mud and the top layer is a banana/yoghurt cake. Both turn out very dense and moist and easily take fondant.

So, here we are, all set up with ganache for the crumb coating and various decorations.

I don't mind admitting that this was all making me very nervous. As my second cake (proper-fondanty-thing), so much was liable to go wrong here. I knew what I was aiming for, but having no actual training in this stuff, was not entirely sure I could pull it off.

OK, so layer one.

lacking wooden dowelling rods, I decided to trust Martha Stewart and use drinking straws. She assures me that for a paltry two layers, this is support enough....

 Ganache crumb coat

 'Lid' of fondant tree-rings. This wasn't very clever at all. I just shaped the fondant into a flat cylinder, painted on lines in gel-paste (Chocolate brown, warm brown and a dash of egg-yellow), rolled it up like a swiss-roll,cut it, and then rolled it flat. Lo-and-behold, -tree rings :-)

 Rolled 'bark' base fondant. Basically, just badly mixed browns.

 Measured the cake height and cut out a strip of fondant to match.

decided that the bark-brown looked nothing like bark and started tearing and adding fondant scraps.

Scored everything with a toothpick and added some 'cracks'

Painted to the cracks with black gel-paste (with aforementioned ratty paintbrush)

Attacked fondant-scrappy sides with warm brown and chocolate brown gel-paste

Posted photo on Facebook to see if anyone thought it looked log-like. Fortunately, it turned out that most people thought it did. Phew. I sat down with a cuppa and steeled myself to do it all over again for the second layer.

Then it was just a matter of placing (and glueing with melted chocolate) the many and varied decorations. there was no specific plan here, just a riotous autumnal profusion.

Yes yes, I know it's too much, -but it is for a child...

And there's a frog.

I just felt like making a frog.

So that's it for this year!. Now I just have to sort out the 'magic tree' (wouldn't you like to know? :-), the hay bales, the various pumpkin and autumn leaf decorations, and of course, the food.
My 'not-over-the-top' 1st Birthday is a friggin' 4-month production.
His second birthday will be a BBQ in a park. I swear it.

Woman Day

TODAY IS 'WOMAN DAY' FOR ME.

I haven't had a chance to do this for nigh-on a year (which may or may not have something to do with a Tiny Boy that arrived nigh-on a year ago:-).

I should also mention, before I go too much further, that this 'day' is only possible because my marvellous parents have taken the little fella on a big adventure into Bathurst, -quite deliberately giving me some much-needed 'me time'. For this, I am beyond grateful!

So what's a 'woman day' then?

I can already feel the narrowed eyes, suspicion and genuine fear the very title may engender...

In very basic form it is this;

* The first day of menstruation

* A day when everything in you cries out for peace, solitude and reflection.

* A day to think about what it means to be "woman".

* A day to do whatever it is that you makes you feel grounded, centred and peaceful,

Now, trust me, I KNOW that such a day is pure luxury, and well beyond the reach of many of us, -particularly if 'Motherhood' in one of the spokes to your Woman-wheel! We are expected (and expect ourselves) to 'cover-up', soldier-on, and basically pretend that everything's fine (i.e. the same as every other day).

Except it's not. Not at all.

Menstruation/The Red Moon/Aunty Flo/Kitty's got a nosebleed/The Curse is, for most of us, a dreadful inconvenience at best, a cramping/bloating nightmare at worst. 

Most women I know absolutely hate and dread it.

If you're trying to become pregnant, it's day of tears and cursing your stupid body again and again.

My point is, for most women, it is overwhelmingly negative. And it happens every month.

Recently my life has had a bit more than it's fare share of ups and downs. This has left me feeling pretty drained, annoyingly fragile, and generally pretty un-centred and uncertain. My value as 'woman' and 'wife' has been questioned LOUDLY by others, and worst of all, by me.

Luckily, I have been surrounded by a fierce cocooning shield of "Warrior-Women". Friends and Family members that have thrown back their collective heads and howled on my behalf. Teeth bared, and hackles raised, I swear every one of them was ready to fling themselves into bloody battle on my behalf.

Women, -bloody marvellous creatures! 

So today, instead of plodding through mountains of washing, cleaning, cooking, dirty nappies, tiny (but ear-splitting) tantrums, and trying desperately to 'keep it all together', I have taken a day (OK, -a morning) just for me.

This is what it looks like;

Poured a cup of ridiculously fragrant and incredible Green Tea from Ijalse Farms. Savour the warmth and fragrance of added spearmint, orange and mandarin peel...feel it doing me good...pull out an old but beloved dress made some 20 years ago by a dear friend, and remember her fragrant warmth and beautiful friendship. Make up an oatmeal and honey facial mask whilst running a hot bath scented with honey and Ylang Ylang, shed the 'workaday' clothes and slip into comforting warmth, allow it to let me dream and honour the liquid warmth of the womb, the gentle strength that is 'Mother'. Shave my legs because I want to and for no other purpose. Look, really look at belly and breasts post-baby. Feel proud that this body of mine created life, see curves and undulations as mirrors of mountains and valleys, white as the moon but with glorious signs of 'woman/mother' not virgin girl. For the first time in a very long time, realise that I don't want to look like an older incarnation of myself and that I don't want to spend these beautiful years trying to undo life in order to fit some 'image' created by others.

Slip out of the bath and into the old dress. No bra, no frills, no carry-on. Just fresh skin and freedom.

Prepare a lunch of brown rice and vegetables with no salt, but plenty of aromatic herbs and spices. It feels good to eat. I allow some time to appreciate flavour and texture. No hurrying through because I have to feed the baby, no unhealthy feelings of guilt, or 'calories' or fat'content. Just me and a meal, in the quiet.

Pull out some beloved poetry, pour another cup of tea and lose myself in the metaphysicals. See so many images I want to paint/draw/recreate in fabric and enjoy the feeling of wild freedom in my brain.

It has been utterly blissful.

Of course, I must now shed "Woman Day" and prepare for the return of my little monkey-minx.

I just wish that we all had time to do this more often. 

The Stages of Grieving

[Sigh}...OK. I have a had a rough month. Luckily it's rolled into a brand new one, but still, -rough.

On the 'excellent side', Monkey is so close to walking and talking! He's trying his little heart out every day and it's heartbreakingly gorgeous to watch:-).
I saw 'Warhorse' at the Lyric theatre and was reminded by it's sheer awesomeness just why I got in to this industry in the first place.
I have been cooking up a storm, ...nay, maelstrom!
My autumn/winter brassica plantings are well underway, and I have some pretty groovy experimentals in there too (quinoa, for one!).
I am singing and playing for the wee monkey daily. This has the dual effect of making him happy and giving me some time to hone stuff. It's sheer pleasure right now to just sing through a sample 8th grade/A.Mus syllabus. Rediscovering long-lost treasures and trying not to be annoyed at my voice's natural 'atrophy' after being neglected for far too long.

On the 'truly heinous' side, My entire life/self/world has been tried and found wanting.
I am doing everything I can to 'heal', and further, to be an active agent in the healing of others.
I have weekly root canals. Last 6 weeks and the next 4. I find them very difficult and energy-draining...which is entirely unhelpful with an 11 month old.

I'm still not sure entirely where I went wrong.

I am currently questioning everything, but usually myself.
Self-reflection is a good thing. I'm not sure that my extenuating circumstances are leading me down a 'healthy self-reflection mode' however.

Most days I'm just trying to drain the dry well for the sake of my beautiful and miraculous son.  Today (root canal + counselling) pretty much did me in.
I am trying though. I promise.

Shepherdess Pie

As the weather finally starts to feel a tad autumnal, my cooking turns toward the hearty and comforting. 

On a cool and rainy easter sunday, There was basically two choices. Pie or Pie.

I mean, who doesn't love the smell of pies baking? (Except of course, my oven is busted and the landlord might fix it, oh, sometime-in-the-next-millenium which means I have to bake it across the road at Mum's thereby missing the whole 'who does't love the smell of pies baking?' point, but ANYWAY...)

I decided on the all-time bloke-favourite, The Shepherd's Pie.

Except it isn't. The actualities of the pie proper are reasonably complicated and involve cottages, re-naming, some hoo-ha about beef vs lamb (shepherds don't herd cattle) and then the slightly important fact that my version uses neither beef, nor lamb and is therefore (apparently) a Shepherdess's Pie ( the logic being that girl shepherds don't eat beef or lamb?....ANYWAY...)

My version has also been a 'Cumberland Pie (with a layer of breadcrumbs on top), may have been a pastel de papa if I happened to live in Chile or Uraguay, a hachis Parmentier if I were french, or Kibbet Batata if I happened to be cooking in Syria...in autumn. My favourite though is the Finland's version is "lihaperunasoselaatikko". I'd probably call it that if I could pronounce it.

I ruin things further by adding grated cheese on top of the potato, making it a shepherdess/milkmaid pie? Maybe it's just a 'female rural employee' pie? I think ...

Recipe

1 can lentils, drained

1 1/2 cups dried TVP, re-hydrated in vegetable stock

1 large onion, diced

3 sticks celery, finely diced

2 medium carrots, finely diced

1 small tin tomato paste

2 tsp garlic powder

3 tsp dried sage

a small handful fresh oregano

2 tbsp gravy mix (I use brown onion)

1/3 cup tomato sauce

1/4 cup BBQ sauce

1 tbsp chipotle sauce

3 tsp ground black pepper

2 tsp VEGETA

4 large floury potatoes

100g salted butter

1/2 cup hot soy milk

100g grated tasty cheese

2 tsp smoky paprika

1. Fry off veges in a little EVOO til tender and fragrant

2. Add everything else and a cup of water and let that bastard simmer until all the flavours are rich and blended

3. Make your mash and spoon it on top.

4. Top with grated cheese and smoky paprike

5. Bake for 1hr at 180.

I'm having an internal war over whether to serve it with salad, or more autumnally with maple and walnut roasted carrots and parsnips, and some minted peas....

By the way, the autumnal sides won the day...and how little Gabriel LOVES his maple-roasted carrots!

Why I gave up

It's a simple thing really.

I have seemingly always wanted to lose weight.
When I was 55kgs (circa 1988) I wanted to be 50kgs
When I was 60kgs (circa 1990) I wanted to be 55 again
When I was 65kgs (circa 1992) I wrote "gahhh!!" in my diary and proceeded to starve myself (again) for weeks.
This goes on and on and on and on.

I'll skip a few years due to the agonizing boredom of watching someone else's paranoia.
2008. Good GOD I'm getting married! There'll be photos! raw vegan...
2009. Trying for a baby. Punishing 8km walks every morning up and down mountains, calorie counting obsessively.
2010. pregnant! relax a bit. Lose the baby
2011, IVF. Stack on weight due to IVF hormone stimulants. Vow to lose baby weight before baby-weight even becomes an issue.
2012. IVF fails. IVF #2 starts. No time to lose IVF #1 weight. IVF #2 stacks on extra.
2013. Baby! The miracle of my world arrives! Sooo happy I could burst,...BUT...I'm still worried about the tummy-pouch, the excess fat. I compare myself obsessively with my sisters-in-law/every currently slim woman who's given birth EVER.
2013. Low point. I spend $125 on Duromine to hopefully shed the pounds once and for all.

I spend a month on Duromine and lost 4kgs.
I realise I can't afford to keep doing this.
I worry about what this is doing to my body.

[CUT]

Forward to one evening 2 weeks later watching the television (MKR) with husband..

FRIGGIN' EPIPHANY!

It was a shampoo commercial that did it. I don't even know which 'brand'. It's the one where the impossibly gorgeous model (Miranda kerr?) says; "we've been going about this the wrong way!".
Apparently now we need to concentrate on our scalp (not the hair).....ANYWAY...
The following occurred to me;
(1) I have spent over 14 YEARS dieting.
(2) I have spent over 14 years buying the bullshit and believing that I was somehow 'unworthy' because I didn't look like I did when I was 15.
(3) I have spent over 14 years eschewing ambition/creativity/furtherance because I honestly believed I couldn't really do it until I'd conquered my 'weight demons'.

A Minefield of Opinion...

This photo of my baby boy was taken 3 days ago. Apart from the bruise on his forehead (gained whilst believing he could stand unassisted and quickly face-planting into the nearest toy), does this baby look unhealthy? malnourished? Weak and poorly? Showing any signs of 'failure to thrive'?...
OK, fair enough. You'd have to take behavioural aspects into account as well as careful observation of digestive issues/skin-tone etc.
Short of posting photos of baby-poo for your delectation, I assure you, he does a nice big poo twice a day (sometimes thrice), has excellent skin tone, shows no signs of dehydration, sleeps 1.5hrs twice a day, and 11-ish hours at night.
While awake, he is the jolliest little man. My Mum's favourite saying at the moment is, "What a miserable child!" (please insert heavy sarcasm!). He smiles constantly, babbles away merrily, kisses people frequently and generally loves his life. Food, ALL food is an excellent thing to him. Even if the taste is unfamiliar, or he doesn't 'like it', he dutifully opens his little birdy-mouth for more.

So it is utterly, utterly beyond me that people still question my parenting-wisdom in raising him as a vegetarian.
Like most mums, I am hit with a daily barrage of RDI's, RDA's, 'new recommendations', Breast-feeding advocates that will not accept that I am unable to breast-feed, various parenting 'styles', 'expert opinions', etc etc...when they say parenting is a full-time job, they're not bloody kidding.
But, like most jobs, most of the really 'hard' work seems to come from bored/trying to prove something middle management.

The most common outcryings seem to be;
(a) But where does he get his PROTEIN?????!!! Gahhh!!! The PROTEIN!!!
(b) The IRON! The IRON!...Oh Lordy, this child will die forthwith!!
(c) (and this is a relatively recent nutritional obsession of the masses) -What about the Omega-3's and the Omega-6's?? If you don't give him fish he will endure a life of sub-standard intelligence/cretinism/behavioural issues/retarded brain function...blah blah etc etc.

I am simultaneously amused and horrified, and yes, there's always a large portion of my mind that thinks I could do better for my child.
Today, for example, after too many recent 'comments', I have spent nearly 6 hours obsessively analysing his daily nutritional intake just to be sure. This was only possible because I have a nasty dose of the Flu, and Mr Me took a 'family day' off from work so that we could shield the little monkey from any nasty virus that may spew forth from my infected self.

So here's the thing Boys and Girls;
FIRSTLY: He is a mere (almost) 9 months old. This means that he gets most of his nutrition from Formula.
According to his age and weight, he drinks a 200ml bottle 4 times a day (sometimes 5 x).

WARNING: THE NEXT BIT IS DEADLY UNLESS YOU'RE A NUTRITION-IS-RELIGION-NAZI...

This means: He gets 73% of his RDI of calories from formula alone.
                  He gets 110% of his RDI of PROTEIN from formula alone
                  He gets 98% and 99% respectively of Omega-3 and Omega-6 from formula alone
                  He gets 72.7% of his RDI of IRON from formula alone
                  He gets over 200% of his RDI of calcium from formula alone.

Oh No! Some of those numbers don't say 100%!.
Settle down. He also eats copious amounts of actual food.
Between bottles, my son ingests;
BREAKFAST: 2/3 cup mixed fruit. This week; Mango, Banana, Nectarine puree with baby Farex, + 2 tbsps natural greek yoghurt.
LUNCH: 2/3 cup mixed vegetables (mostly from my garden). This week; roasted potato, kumera, zucchini with broccoli, spinach, cheese and avocado
DINNER: 2 Baby-Iron-Man balls (Red lentils/tofu/almonds) + 1/3 cup homemeade rice pudding with caramelised figs and agave nectar.
SNACKS: 2 rusks, 1-2 slices of wholegrain bread and vegemite, 1 piece of fruit (consumed in increments throughout the day).

His calories are SORTED
His PROTEIN is WELL SORTED
His IRON is SORTED
His vitamins and minerals look pretty damned cheery from where I'm sitting.
Every second day I try to give him some scrambled egg at breakfast or lunch, but he's not loving it. I'll keep trying.

END TOTALLY BORING BIT.

For those of you that have actually objected to me 'denying' my son McDonalds and KFC....ummm, you were kidding....right?
For those of you that are stressing about his lack of chocolate or other refined sugar products...go scratch yourself (oh, and do some research sometime).
For anyone else that thinks they know 'best' for my son;
SOD-THE-HELL-OFF.

Aren't you glad I didn't get into the micronutrients too? :-)

And just to RAM the point home, here's another picture of my horribly waning and desperately undernourished son, taken a week ago.

Blackberry Pie, Rain, and a screaming baby.

If you were an alien being trying to follow the emotional nuances of human beings, you would do well to follow my school-holiday cooking schedule.
Last Night of Term: Comfort food spectacular for Brett (a 'well done honey!' feast).
1st week of Holidays: Serious Christmas Prep. Too much sugar, boring nightly menu.
2nd-4th weeks of Holidays: Blissful long-prep dishes that I don't have time for during term while single-handed baby-wrangling.
Last Day of Holidays: Some dish that screams 'home/comfort/care/love'.

It's possibly my last-ditch panicked attempt to help Brett (ahem) 'overlook' my new fashion...dishabille-without-the-innate-class, and give him one more extra-special treat before the dreaded TERM.
So, as it is summer and Portland is somewhat lax about Blackberry obliteration, there are tonnes and tonnes of shiny black berries just sitting there for the taking. This naturally results in Blackberry Pie (served with homemade vanilla bean icecream) and Blackberry Jam.

Last night my 8 month old son thought it would be amusing to be awake between 3 and 5am. This resulted in  a pretty dire version of me this morning, but I was determined to do my pie, so I headed over to Mum and Dad's to recruit blackberry-pickers.
Dad's hand is always the first to go up for foraging adventures, so off we trotted to my favourite 'patch' (opposite the produce store).

The berries on offer were quite small this time (due largely to the serious lack of rain over xmas), but we forged ahead. Dad's 80 year old skin took a bit of damage...a few spectacular scratches and rivulets of blood, but he was pretty determined to get his pie and simply dabbed with his hanky and continued!

It did begin to rain in earnest mid-forage, but there was no point in returning home with 'almost enough' berries, so we pressed on. In the meantime I discovered that picking berries in the rain, stomping down aggressive canes with my big gumboots and humming folksongs was actually a tremendously pleasant way to spend a morning. Just me and Dad, quietly plucking in the cool stillness and enjoying being quiet together.

 After an hour and a half of picking I finally had enough for my pie. Sadly, not enough for jam-making this time, but after the current rain, next weekend should see some nice big fat fellas ready for my jam pot!

So, while Brett headed off to have a looooong bath, Gabriel and I took to the kitchen to make pie.
Warning: this pastry is very VERY short. It results in a gorgeous, light, crumbly pie, but it isn't for the faint-of-heart (or the very tired....). After a few choice expletives, I did manage to get it together...well enough for the much-prized 'rustic' look anyway...

Pie filling                                                  Gabe 'helping'                                           Fresh berries

Of course, being a sleep-deprived mess with a baby that absolutely and resolutely REFUSED to nap this afternoon, I completely forgot to take a photo of the finished product before I raced it over to Dad. In Lockley tradition, Dad always gets the first slice (only fair after his foraging efforts), and then I collect the remainder for Brett.

PASTRY
2 cups plain flour
1/2 cup almond meal
1 cup unsalted butter
1 tsp salt
2 tsp brown sugar
6 -8 tbsp iced water
FILLING
4 cups fresh blackberries
1/2 cup white sugar
1/2 cup plain flour

"Hey Mumma...."                                      "I'ma gonna....."                                       "Getcha!!!".

 Not my pie, but this is pretty much exactly what you get!
Now to organise dinner and perchance, have a nice glass of wine...