It's not Halloween, it's bloody Beltane.

Every October I have a spike in blood pressure. No, it's not diet-related -it's frustration that verges on fury. Every shopping centre from here to bloody Timbuktu is groaning under the weight of gaudy, plastic Halloween 'decorations'. Plastic, plastic everywhere. Plastic spiders, bats, skeletons, cobwebs, pumpkins. Apparently that little Attenborough documentary has been momentarily 'set aside' while we focus on the celebrations of the season.

Except it isn't the season.

I don't know if you've noticed Australia, but it's not autumn. It's gorgeous, thrumming, blooming, emerald SPRING. If you absolutely must have a seasonal quasi-Pagan celebration, the one you're looking for is Beltane/Ostara. Yes, it sounds like 'Easter' because it is. It's new chicks and bunnies, eggs and honey, spring greens, roaring bonfires and come-hither looks from people whose blood is thumping along with the energy of the season. It's a celebration of new life after the deep, cold dark of winter. It is lightness, sunshine, energy, fertility, sexuality. You know what it's not? Witches, ghouls, spiders, bats, creeping fog, jack-o-lanterns and the rest of the palaver.

It's normal for humans to want to celebrate seasonally. Hell, you can still wear silly costumes and have a jolly old get-together anyway.
So why does it bug me so damned much? The first reason is deeply felt -it's indicative of a much broader problem: Human disconnection from nature/the planet/the seasons. What on earth drives us antipodeans to have to pretend it's autumn? Is it some kind of global solidarity thing with our fellow bipeds in the North? I'd like to imagine it's that noble, but like Valentine's Day and every other once-sacred festival -it's more about profit than anything else.

Lithgow NSW is becoming quite well-known for its annual Halloween street-fair thingummy. On a warm, scented spring evening every year, the town is over-run with gaudy decorations, people dressing like dead things, and others spending $4/kg for a 20kg pumpkin to turn into a jack-o-lantern. Dude, that's one pricey damned pumpkin. It's also imported. Fossil fuel use anyone? Carbon footprint? Global climate crisis? Every damned expert in a 10-mile radius screaming that eating locally and seasonally is no longer a patchouli-loving hippie 'lifestyle choice', but a necessity? But no, -go ahead, spend what little money you have on the bloody pumpkin. Nice one Coles. No actual fog? That's OK, we'll set up multitudinous smoke-machines and belch forth a chemical version for your delectation. While we're at it, let's bob for 6 month old cold-storage apples that are practically mummified. Excellent.

"But it brings in the tourists!" scream the local council to anyone who'll listen. Yes, it does. Any big, spectacular public street fair would. Humans love dressing up and milling around with other humans. It's a thing. I suppose it's silly to suggest that we could use the resources of the season that are locally available to promote a celebration of the actual season? A promotion of local food producers? A promotion of the gorgeous spring wildflowers and walks in The gardens of Stone National park? Open gardens? Maypoles and bonfires? -You could sell just as much plastic junk I'm sure, if that's what's worrying you. I just don't get why we're hell-bent on celebrating the 'dying of the year' precisely when it's at its most vibrant and alive.

So, how do I bring down my indignant blood pressure at this time of year? -Culinary protest. I devour Spring with obscene enjoyment. Instead of 'trick or treating' for rubbish confectionary, I make honey-cakes and mead. I enjoy the lightness and powerful nutrition of the Spring garden. I try not to explode in a million furious shards when I go to a shopping-centre (that doesn't always work so well...). If you're of like-mind, -and I assume there must be at least one other Australian that agrees, try this salad -or your own version. Sit in the gloriously gentle Spring sunshine under a blossom tree. Listen to the hum of fertility as our little stripy-bummed friends ensure a bumper harvest.

INGREDIENTS: Buttercrunch, flame and blonde du cazard lettuce; young dandelion greens, shredded baby kale, seared asparagus, egyptian purple snow peas, sauteed ruby chard stems in butter, chipotle and black pepper, fetta, borage flowers, kale flowers, toasted sunflower seeds, pea tendrils, cucumber, olive oil, lemon juice, garlic.

It tastes like Spring. It's light and crunchy and green and leaves you with plenty of energy for leaping over bonfires and such :-). It's also a super-multi-expialadocious powerhouse of nutrition!
Don't read this list carefully, the gist will do! Vitamin E, copper, B1, Manganese, selenium, phosphorous, magnesium. B6, folate, Niacin, linolenic acid, Vitamin C, Vitamin A, iron, Vitamin K, Calcium, protein, B12, Thiamin, riboflavin, anthocyanins, soluble and insoluble fibre.

'Try for 5'? I see your 5 and raise you. Go and paint yourself like a dead thing. I'm going to entertain myself in a seasonally appropriate manner....