Why I gave up

It's a simple thing really.

I have seemingly always wanted to lose weight.
When I was 55kgs (circa 1988) I wanted to be 50kgs
When I was 60kgs (circa 1990) I wanted to be 55 again
When I was 65kgs (circa 1992) I wrote "gahhh!!" in my diary and proceeded to starve myself (again) for weeks.
This goes on and on and on and on.

I'll skip a few years due to the agonizing boredom of watching someone else's paranoia.
2008. Good GOD I'm getting married! There'll be photos! raw vegan...
2009. Trying for a baby. Punishing 8km walks every morning up and down mountains, calorie counting obsessively.
2010. pregnant! relax a bit. Lose the baby
2011, IVF. Stack on weight due to IVF hormone stimulants. Vow to lose baby weight before baby-weight even becomes an issue.
2012. IVF fails. IVF #2 starts. No time to lose IVF #1 weight. IVF #2 stacks on extra.
2013. Baby! The miracle of my world arrives! Sooo happy I could burst,...BUT...I'm still worried about the tummy-pouch, the excess fat. I compare myself obsessively with my sisters-in-law/every currently slim woman who's given birth EVER.
2013. Low point. I spend $125 on Duromine to hopefully shed the pounds once and for all.

I spend a month on Duromine and lost 4kgs.
I realise I can't afford to keep doing this.
I worry about what this is doing to my body.

[CUT]

Forward to one evening 2 weeks later watching the television (MKR) with husband..

FRIGGIN' EPIPHANY!

It was a shampoo commercial that did it. I don't even know which 'brand'. It's the one where the impossibly gorgeous model (Miranda kerr?) says; "we've been going about this the wrong way!".
Apparently now we need to concentrate on our scalp (not the hair).....ANYWAY...
The following occurred to me;
(1) I have spent over 14 YEARS dieting.
(2) I have spent over 14 years buying the bullshit and believing that I was somehow 'unworthy' because I didn't look like I did when I was 15.
(3) I have spent over 14 years eschewing ambition/creativity/furtherance because I honestly believed I couldn't really do it until I'd conquered my 'weight demons'.

http://www.feedmeimcranky.com/2013/03/04/why-bmi-is-not-a-measure-of-health/

OK. So here's the thing.
I RENOUNCE DIETING.
This is a photo (blurry) taken of me and my son 2 days ago. Apologies for the blur. My Mum hasn't figured out the iphone camera thing just yet:-)

And you know what? I don't look like I did when I was 15. There are squishy bits there, there are grey hairs. But godammit,-I'm OK.
This photo does not scream metabolic disorder, morbid obesity or heart disease. It says; "I'm a bit of a hippy and I love my baby boy".
http://www.feedmeimcranky.com/2013/03/04/why-bmi-is-not-a-measure-of-health/
Yep. My BMI says I'm overweight.
This has worried me incessantly. So much that Pfizer made $125 out of me on diet pills.
DIET PILLS.

For what? So I can be skinny and wear skinny-people-clothes? ($$ into diet industry and fashion pockets).;
So I can be 'my best'? (my best is physically measured?)...
Meanwhile, I have ignored the fact that I can sing, I can draw, I can direct, I can produce, I can cook delicious things, I can grow delicious things, I can act, I win scholarship essays and ace ridiculous subjects like Biochemistry and Microbiology. I can make people happy, I can contribute to human understanding, I can even weld and manage carpentry in a pinch. Oh, and I write bad poems. To (mis) quote Florence Foster Jenkins: "They may say I can't write poetry, but they can't day I didn't write poetry"...make of that what you will..:-)
That's a VERY LONG TIME I've spent not doing anything because I had this incessant belief that I wasn't 'good enough'.

So thanks diet industry. Thanks media. Combined, your clever tricksy ways have eaten a very large portion of the brief life I am allotted.
http://www.feedmeimcranky.com/2013/03/04/why-bmi-is-not-a-measure-of-health/
I hereby REJECT all media-driven ideals of 'beauty'. I will not diet/binge/diet/miserable/binge/ecstatic/diet/diet/binge anymore.
This is what I look like. I am 38 years old and I have a baby.
I do not have a chef/personal trainer/dietician on hand.
I refuse to spend any more time hating myself.
And goddammit, my husband shouldn't suffer any further with my endless "when I lose another 2kg" scenario.

THIS IS WHAT A 38 YEAR OLD WOMAN WHO LOVES FOOD (and wine!) WITH A BABY LOOKS LIKE (in my neck of the woods anyway:-)!
I'm off to actually live my life. Do join me?